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I make little figures out of clay. They are about things that happen in life like birth and aging, partnership, becoming a woman, getting old, the Earth. Big important stuff that goes on in our lives. Recently I designed a new figure that has turned out to be a fat woman. She started out as a female version of the Buddha and I thought she was going to say something about "Good Fortune." I looked at fat men to get ideas: Bacchus by Reubens and Chinese Laughing Buddha figures, along with Laurie Toby Edison's beautiful photographs in her book Women en Large: Images of Fat Nudes. I liked how my little sculpture was coming, enjoying her bright laughing face, her full hips, the way her breasts rest on the roundness of her belly tenderly held by her hands. All along I'm thinking "Buddha, female Buddha," and how it's okay for the Buddha to be fat. I eagerly added the finishing touches with delicate tools; her hair
and some accessories and different designs on her sarong. I bisqued
her to a soft pink. I applied an earth-red henna-like stain with a soft
brush highlighting her cheeks, lips and bare nipples. I polished her
finger and toenails, and put her in the kiln for one last fire. She's so beautiful! She loves herself, she's proud and confident and laughing. I'm stunned. Here's the challenge: The first thing she told me when she was done was "I'm not a Buddha, I'm a FAT WOMAN. This is not about 'Good Fortune' honey, it's about power no matter what your size!!" I'm taken aback. I'm not as sure of myself as she is of herself. I've been looking on the web like a maniac trying to figure out how to support her debut. I found honoringyourbelly.com where I've laughed and cried and hated to admit how I've loathed my body. I ripped off my bra and unbuttoned my jeans and danced around my studio to the deep heavy drum rhythms of Gabriel Roth and the Mirrors. My belly has been shut up and sucked in so long it won't talk to me. This Fat Woman Goddess stands before me laughing, not telling me what she knows. Or am I not listening? I have a feeling it's a simple truth. But sadly one that doesn't fit into this culture. Who is she kidding? Fat Women powerful? Women are okay no matter what size they are? Lovable, capable? Healthy? No way, especially not healthy! To be FAT you must not care, or love yourself, you must hate yourself and have unresolved issues. But wait a minute: why is it that hardly ANY woman I know truly is okay about her size even if, and especially if, she's a twig? This Fat Woman sculpture came out of me; a women's-issues-savvy woman who still at age 44 is affected by society's size standards and has to talk herself down when she gains a couple of pounds. I'm okay with fat as long as it's not mine! The corporate media's interpretation of what we women and girls "should" look like is hard to shake if not next to impossible. We are fed its poison every day. That old saying is wrong: It's not that "Inside every fat woman there's a thin woman screaming to get out." The reality is that inside EVERY woman, there's a FAT woman trying to get out and breathe, relax her belly center, undo her pants, let her thighs roar with thunder, and her breasts feel the breeze! One that wants to be accepted just as she is. Can you imagine what power and love would be unleashed if that were so? We would no longer be held back. The world would be saved! It makes my heart leap. This Fat Woman sculpture got out and she's clearing the way for my own fat-fearing self to follow. She has something to say. Stop eating the poison fed to you by male-corporate America. Listen to your OWN truth. Come on out and breathe, take up space and love your whole self exactly how you are right now. You are perfect. |
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